Tag: executive function in children

Why Does My Child Forget Everything?

Helping Kids Build Executive Function Skills

Written in collaboration with Dr. Leah Welty and Dr. Petra Hackenberg-Bauer. 

Now that school is back in session, many families are settling into the familiar rhythm of early mornings, homework, activities, and trying to get everyone out the door with everything they need. It’s also the time of year when parents may start wondering why your child has such a hard time remembering what they’re supposed to do.

“I told you three times to put your shoes on.”

“How did you forget your homework again?”

“Your backpack was right by the door!”

If these sound familiar, you’re certainly not alone. Getting kids out the door, through homework and ready for the next day can sometimes feel like a full-time job for parents.

And while it can be tempting to think a child isn’t listening, isn’t trying or simply needs to be more responsible, there may be something else at work: executive function skills.

What are executive function skills?

Executive function is a group of skills our brains use to manage everyday life. They help us plan, pay attention, remember what we need to do, control impulses, shift from one task to another and follow through. Think about what your child has to do just to get to school in the morning. They may need to remember to:

• Get dressed
• Brush their teeth
• Eat breakfast
• Pack their backpack
• Fill their water bottle
• Find their shoes
  Remember that permission slip
• Get out the door on time

That’s a lot happening at once. Three important parts of executive function are working memory or holding information in mind while using it; self-control, including resisting distractions and impulses; and mental flexibility, or adjusting when circumstances or expectations change.

Children aren’t born knowing how to do all of this. These skills develop over time through experience, practice and support from the adults around them. So when your child forgets something you just told them, it doesn’t automatically mean they weren’t listening.

What can executive function struggles look like?

Executive function affects much more than remembering homework. Depending on a child’s age, you might notice:

• Frequently losing or forgetting belongings
• Difficulty getting started on homework
• Needing repeated reminders for everyday routines
• Trouble following directions with several steps
• Underestimating how long something will take
• Becoming overwhelmed by large assignments
• Difficulty transitioning away from a preferred activity
• Forgetting to turn in completed work
• Having trouble keeping a backpack, locker or bedroom organized
• Procrastinating until the last minute

Thankfully, executive function skills can be practiced and strengthened. The goal isn’t to create a perfectly organized child. It’s to gradually give kids tools that allow them to manage more independently.

5 ways parents can build executive function skills at home

1. Get information out of their head

If your child struggles to remember a routine, don’t rely exclusively on verbal reminders. Try a written or visual morning checklist, family calendar, homework planner or designated spot near the door for backpacks, shoes and other school essentials. Think of these tools as temporary supports while your child develops the ability to manage more independently. And yes, that may mean the checklist says “PUT ON SHOES” even though your child has been putting on shoes for years. That’s okay.

2. Make big directions smaller

“Get ready for school.”

“Clean your room.”

“Do your homework.”

Those sound like individual tasks to an adult, but each actually contains multiple steps. Instead of repeating the same broad instruction, help your child identify the next manageable step. For a younger child, that might mean: “First get dressed. Then come downstairs.” For an older child staring at a big school project, ask: “What’s the first thing you need to do?”

Breaking tasks into smaller pieces can make it easier to start and easier to see progress.

3. Ask before you solve

It’s incredibly easy for parents to become their child’s executive function. You remember the library book. You pack the sports bag. You check the assignment portal. You notice tomorrow is picture day. Sometimes that’s necessary. But as children get older, look for opportunities to shift some of the thinking back to them.

Instead of: “Don’t forget your soccer cleats.” Try: “What do you need for soccer tonight?”

Instead of immediately explaining how to tackle an assignment, ask: “What’s your plan?”

Your child may still need help. The difference is that you’re helping them develop the process rather than always completing the process for them.

4. Build routines, not constant reminders

Predictable routines reduce how much a child has to remember from scratch every day. Maybe backpacks always go on the same hook. Homework happens around the same time. School papers have one designated place. Before bed, everyone checks what they need for tomorrow. Written lists and consistent routines can be particularly helpful for children who struggle with organization and attention. Once a routine becomes established, parents can gradually step back.

5. Practice when it doesn’t feel like practice

Executive function isn’t only developed while doing homework.

Kids practice these skills when they:

• Play board and card games
• Follow the steps of a recipe
• Participate in sports
• Build something
• Complete puzzles
• Play games that require taking turns
• Plan an activity
• Learn a new skill
• Adjust when a plan doesn’t work

These activities can require children to remember rules, control impulses, pay attention, plan ahead and change strategies. In other words, play counts.

What should this look like at different ages?

A preschooler shouldn’t be expected to organize like a fifth grader, and a parent probably shouldn’t be managing a high schooler’s backpack the same way they did in elementary school.

• Preschool and early elementary: Parents provide plenty of structure. Practice simple routines, following one or two steps, waiting, taking turns and cleaning up.
• Elementary school: Introduce checklists, calendars and organizational systems. Help children break larger tasks into steps and begin participating in planning.
• Middle school: Start shifting more responsibility to your child. Instead of managing every assignment, help them develop a system for tracking their own work and deadlines.
• High school: Independence becomes increasingly important. Parents can provide support and accountability while allowing teens to make plans, solve problems and experience reasonable consequences when things don’t go as planned.

The support shouldn’t disappear overnight. Ideally, it gradually decreases as your child’s skills increase.

Remember, the goal isn’t perfection

Teaching executive function can be frustrating because progress doesn’t always happen in a straight line. Your child may remember everything Monday and somehow arrive at school without their lunch on Tuesday. That’s part of learning.

Rather than asking, “Why can’t you remember this?” try shifting the question to “What could help you remember this next time?”

Over time, the goal is for the reminders, lists, routines and questions you provide to become strategies your child can eventually use on their own.

When is forgetfulness something to talk to your pediatrician about?

Every child forgets things. Every teenager procrastinates sometimes. And a messy backpack alone doesn’t mean something is wrong. But it’s worth starting a conversation if difficulties with attention, organization, impulse control, completing tasks or managing schoolwork are persistent and interfering with your child’s everyday life.

Executive function challenges can occur in children with ADHD and other developmental or learning differences, but struggling with organization or forgetfulness does not automatically mean your child has ADHD.

It can also be helpful to consider the bigger picture. Is this happening at home and school? Is your child struggling academically despite understanding the material? Are everyday routines creating significant frustration? Have teachers noticed similar concerns?

Your pediatrician can help determine what’s developmentally appropriate and whether further evaluation or additional support may be helpful. For some children, that may also include visits with our behavioral health team, which uses brief, skills-based Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to help children and teens build practical strategies they can use at home, at school and in everyday life.

Sources: American Academy of Pediatrics/HealthyChildren.org; Centers for Disease Control and Prevention; Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University.

This information is intended for general educational purposes and should not replace individualized medical advice from your child’s healthcare provider.